Blazer Face

Blazer (Zara, similar here and here), Blouse (J.Crew - old, similar here), Shorts (Zara - last seen here, similar here), Tights (Hue), Shoes (Zara, similar here), Necklaces (Dogeared), Ring (Blanca Monros Gomez via Of a Kind), Watch (Marc by Marc Jacobs) 

Every someone worth their weight in Nutella knows that blazers are the golden child(ren?) of Fashion. They've been around forever, they look good on everyone (even and especially babies), they can transform a stupid outfit into something that makes you look like you know what you're doing and that you take showers (see photos above), they are timelessly chic, designers love them, blah blah blah.

I've been aggressively impressing upon my sister lately the importance of long blazers because obviously these are the kinds of really critical issues at hand, and for all intents and purposes she's been partially bludgeoned into submission, while still maintaining my utter ridiculousness as a human.

Then the other day I read Leandra Medine's (of Man Repeller) mini-dissertation extolling her reasons for devotion to the jacket-length double breasted blazer (#hardhitting), and upon completion of the aforementioned, I injected my clenched fist into the headspace above my fro while biting my lower lip, furrowing my brow, and nodding my head zealously as to affirm my solidarity with her word, and the validation of my rejected wisdom that no one ever asked for. Or, I performed the post-Facebook-era equivalent of that, and copied-and-pasted that url before the last period of Leandra's final sentence graced my eyeballs and slapped that mother on my sister's Facebook wall (sorry, Timeline).

"JACKET-TO-BODY RATIO," PEOPLE. Nailed it. 

Remember? It's Winter. Wear a Cape.

Cape (Zara - majorly on sale this past Winter, similar here and here), Sweater (Zara, similar here), Trousers (Sessun - old, similar here), Heels (Zara, similar here), Necklaces (Dogeared) Ring (Blanca Monros Gomez via Of a Kind)

In case you haven't noticed, it is currently Summer here in San Francisco. More Summer than it is in the Summertime. And although this beautiful weather is a salient reminder that we are in the middle of a very real drought and probably steadily on our way to some sort of apocalypse (whichever one suits you), we should throw our heads back and laugh a laugh of not caring about things that are too scary and important to think about and take a 50 minute shower because we can rely on the life sustaining powers of our abundance of plaid. 

And so maybe it's just for funsies that I'm wearing this plaid cape, but maybe it's also to remind me that even though plaid as a sartorial staple of the colder weather months is a tenant that has been around since Jamie from Outlander times, it is an ever-repleneshing resource that, at the hands of very adept designers, presents itself anew season after season, and we never seem to tire of it. Plaid will be around when there's nothing left but the cockroaches, so eat up.

The sweater is not a real sweater like people in New York would wear because it's completely permeable and basically see-through. The trousers bring a nice monochrome mleh-mleh to the outfit while still reminding you that I'm a BOSS (jk I'm not a boss of anything other than the jar of peanut butter in my pantry). And the shoes are presenting themselves to you in that distinct gunmetal grey probably thanks to somebody who's named Alexander Wang and his Fall/Winter 2013 collection last year. Trickle Down Dance, guys! I'm telling you.

Also, when was the last time you wore an actual cape(coat)?

Stripes of the Pin Variety

Coat (Zara - majorly on sale over the holidays, similar here), Trousers (Zara, similar here), Shirt (H&M Men's, similar here), Brogues (Rag & Bone - majorly on sale thanks to Barney's Warehouse, similar here), Necklaces (Dogeared), Ring (Blanca Monros Gomez via Of a Kind - Christmas present from The Man) 

It is safe to say that the two patterns that dominated the Autumn/Winter Sartorial Season last year were plaid (in various forms) and pinstripes. This is mostly thanks to one lady: Stella McCartney. With lines that consistently demonstrate a tendency toward and a mastery of masculine silhouettes and motifs as worn by a woman (and it should be noted that the Stella McCartney woman is one of insurmountable cool and imaginative simplicity), Stella McCartney possesses the kind of creative hands that make things that immediately flood us with an overwhelming sense of desire. And (here's the real trick, and what more often than not sets apart a good designer from a master of the art form) that desire is lasting.

Her Autumn/Winter 2013 collection from last year is basically runway porn. You can't see it and not get turned on. Of course what inevitably happened is what always happens with trend-setting collections. Her line initiated The Trickle Down Dance, and soon us plebs were awash in a sea of midnight pinstripes and fuzzy plaid. No matter how many times I saw some version (or inversion in some cases) of her pinstripe coat, or an angora plaid sweater, the original desire hatched by her archetypal designs remained steadfast, and in some cases all the more stronger.

Which is the story of how I came to look like I do here. (It is a tale of fascinating proportions and epic intrigue, I know.) And thusly, I am compelled to once again do what I always find myself doing, and that is to throw my hands up, toss my head back, and spin like some sort of coked-out gypsy while I praise the Gods that are Zara.

Oh and if you feel like making your mind explode and then subsequently shoving a month's rent into your computer screen, you can behold (and then purchase) the original inspiration for this particular pinstripe coat here. WOMP.

Checks on Checks on Checks

Blazer (Mango, similar here and here), Shirt (Madewell, similar here), Trousers (Zara, similar here and here), Shoes (Nine West - old, similar here), Scarf (Zara, similar here), Necklaces (Dogeared), Ring (Blanca Monros Gomez via Of a Kind - Christmas present from The Man)

While the East Coast explores the manifold benefits of wearing 6 pairs of long johns under absolutely everything, I am shimmying around San Francisco with not-accidental naked ankles and wrists like an ASSHOLE. 

And I feel pretty great about it. I guess it's been cold here, I suppose, but I don't think I'm allowed to call 52 degrees Fahrenheit "cold" when THIS is happening elsewhere to our fellow countrymen. Also, WUT. Also, WUT. 

Anyway, back to my impudently bare ankles. 

What has this season brought us aside from a fancy new Ice Age? Myriad versions of plaid -- basically any incarnation of a grid-like tesselation of various lines, colors, and configurations, we saw this past Fall/Winter. (And pinstripes, too, but that's a whole other turdy post.) And did you know that despite the fact that our punishment for a lack of Winter on the West Coast is that we're in the middle of AN ACTUAL GOVERNMENTALLY-PROCLAIMED DROUGHT, we can all totally rest assured because if there is one thing we're not short of, it's different kinds of plaid? Did you know that? Fashion = Captain Planet.

Here are some fun vocab words to play with:

Plaid

Tartan

Checkered

Buffalo Plaid

Houndstooth (also known as Dogtooth if you're from anywhere in Europe)

Gingham

Shepherd's Check

Windowpane

Glen Plaid (also known as Prince of Wales Check. sounds fun, right?!)

And it's nothing else other than my enthusiastically misplaced elation regarding the surplus of plaids at my disposal this season, and the proclivity toward nakedness that my ankles and wrists tend to have, that have inspired this particular outfit.

I'm wearing 4 different kinds of plaid here all at once, and what prevents me from looking like I just rolled around in a pile of my clothes and sauntered out the door (although, maybe I do look that way? DO I?) is the fact that all of the plaids are partying with the same colors, with black and white being the most popular kids at the party. With some combination of the same 2 or 3 colors, you can pile on the prints like you would the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving.

Ok, maybe 5 kinds of plaid if you count my hair.

Miles

Blazer (Mango, similar here and here), T-Shirt (Gap Men's - Excellent present from The Sister), Jeans (J.Crew, similar here), Shoes (Vans - get them literally anywhere including here and here; they are never going away), Necklaces (Dogeared), Watch (Marc by Marc Jacobs), Bracelet (Nadri), Ring (Blanca Monros Gomez via Of a Kind - Christmas present from The Man)

Let's just get the taglines out of the way and say that the dominant themes motivating the fruition of this outfit are "everything old is new again" and "sometimes the Men's Department does it better."

The former refers specifically to the checkerboard Vans that have been around (and paddling through various stages of popularity among various groups and influencers) since before Spicoli. These shoes are awesome and so refreshingly relaxed. They are a welcome addition to my neverending rotation of stilettos. 'Nuff said.

The latter refers to the Miles Davis Men's t-shirt that hangs and bags in all of the right places, far more successfully than any Women's t-Shirt of a similar style and purpose that has come out of any of the Gap Inc. brands.

I have had a love/disdain relationship with Gap over the many years that they've been in my sartorial purview. They've had their ups and downs, their cycles of nailing it, and of course their spells of totally missing the mark (do I even need to mention this abomination?), in the same way that people do...not unlike myself. Gap for the most part is milk-toast these days, at least as far as their Women's offerings are concerned lately, and I for one had been so assured of that fact, that I forgot one of the rules espoused by many a Fashion Folk, one that I myself have mantra'd, and that is that when the ladies stuff isn't blowing your skirt up, HEAD TO THE MEN'S DEPARTMENT.

Luckily for me, I have my sister, who woke me from my milk-toast Gap coma when she presented me with the aforementioned t-shirt as a Christmas present. (It's worth mentioning that these made up the other half of her Christmas offerings to me this past Holiday season...and it's worth mentioning because, well...look at them!)

In any case, after laying eyes on the t-shirt and squeeling, she squeel-retorted in a sort of "Who knew?!" way that the shirt happened to be care of the Gap Men's Department, to which I squeel-responded with a gaspy "No. Really?!". Which later prompted me to click on over to Gap's website and browse their male-intended wares thoughtlessly for about 20 minutes. And I as I floated down that rabbit hole, I found myself quite surprised and pleased with the offerings of (what would amount to on me as perfectly oversized) sweaters -- v-neck! crewneck! button-up! -- crisp, classic collared shirts, a plethora of graphic tees that I found to be (in most cases) much less obnoxious than their female counterparts, hell, even a grandpa-style sweater vest, complete with pockets which would undoubtedly get used.

Long story short, this particular t-shirt reminded me that as ladies, we are lucky enough to have the ENTIRE WORLD of the sartorial spectrum (sort of) available to us for consumption and appropriation. That is to say, if you find yourself underwhelmed by a particular brand's female-intended vesture, do remember to cock your head, squint your eyes, lift your leg, raise the roof, and explore that brand's Men's offerings, for you will leave the experience renewed, reinvigorated, and a little bit more filled with love for that formerly written-off purveyor of ladies milk-toast.

Back in Black (Not Really)

Coat (Zara - majorly on sale recently, similar here - also on sale!), Sweater (Zara - old, similar here), Trousers (Madewell, similar here), Loafers (Zara, similar here), Bracelet (Nadri), Ring (Blanca Monros Gomez via Of a Kind - Christmas Present from The Man) 

I won't bore you with the details and reasons behind my blogging hiatus (suffice it to say that it was mostly colored by a surplus of self-loathing and a general malaise surrounding the idea of the "effort" (pfft) it would require to, in fact, blog (the verb)), but we're one month into the new year, which means it's precisely the right time to start hacking away at those now perfectly ripe New Year's Resolutions (as futile an endeavor as they may be, the annual exercise of discussing and setting them gives me a temporary high that I will liken to the feeling of hope mixed with something similar to that of purpose). 

Along with such lofty goals as Have Fewer Nightmares, and Say Nicer Things to People, getting back on the "blogging horse" was (is) on my list of resolutions for 2014. So, after giving myself the required one month of lead-in time to store the fat and strength needed to OBLITERATE my New Year's Resolutions To Do List come February, here I find myself. And with Fashion Week(s) nigh, I figured now was as good a time as any to pretend to be in the game. The New Year doesn't really start until February anyway as far as I, and the Chinese, are concerned. So make the necessary adjustments to your schedule and get on board because you just gained one whole month of dicking around that you get to summarily write off as an operating expense. Chest bump!

Now the outfit, well the outfit is something of a cross between a mid-20th-century accountant perhaps (see: tweed trousers and cognac loafers), someone who thinks they're a Fashion Blogger Capital F Capital B (see: ornamentally draped statement coat accompanied by a vacant stare), and an Irish fisherman (the appropriation from the latter is obvious here). 

Wear your sweaters long, and your coats longer, and don't forget to remind yourself that it's still Winter somewhere, and that you still have a whole 11 months to exercise those demons of optimism that authored the compendium of hopes and dreams you have for 2014 and your life in general. HAPPY NEW YEAR, KIDS!